Learning to deal with failure

Of all the challenges I've face, I find it most difficult to deal with catastrophic failure. I'm not talking about having just one bad day, but when they stretch out so far, that you can no longer see the horizon of when things used to be great.

I've alluded to my own personal turmoil in this blog, but I'm writing about it directly for the first time. I don't want to get into details but a couple years of extreme pressure and stress got to me. Shortly thereafter, I had to deal with a family crisis. I couldn't work or sleep for a very long time.

My self-respect and confidence sunk to an all-time low. I'm at a new place now and people don't know the formerly exuberant, confident, academic superstar me. What am I supposed to say to them? Yeah, I think I'm a good person who fell on some hard times and you just have to believe me? I get sick of making excuses anyhow. I know some of my colleagues are losing their patience.

I count all the times I missed a class or seminar I should have been at, when I let my advisor down, when I stayed away from my friends, when I missed someone's retirement party, etc. The memory of failure itself becomes a burden. Sometimes I just feel helpless and want to stay in bed.

Life has improved dramatically, but it's a continual struggle to get back to where I used to be. I seem to improve and then I hit a plateau and have to fight to get up the next hill. This is the part that is draining and perhaps surprising for me -- thinking that it's finally over, but realizing I still have more work to do.

I'm finally at the point where I'm feel well enough that I can chip away at both the things I should have done and what I should be doing. However, it's daunting to look at the pile of things I hoped to accomplish and remain undone. This burden makes it difficult to focus on what I should be doing now. I know I should burn some bridges and forge on, but I'm reluctant to do so. And there is the question of pace. Should I take a break and relax now and then? Should I go all out and power through my troubles? I don't know what I'm capable of anymore.

It's difficult when I have a bad day or when I can't sleep because I begin to fear that the nightmare will begin again and I start to give up again. I have to tell myself, "No, that's over. It's just a bad day and only that."

I think about the future me five years from now. I don't think I will regret helping my family. I do worry that I'm not keeping a positive attitude, that I'm not trying hard enough or that I'm dwelling too much on failure (I never know which to think) -- and that is going to cost me five years from now.

I make it sound like I'm depressed, but really the dominant feeling is frustration. I'm writing this entry in the hope that it will help me soldier on to the better days that await me. I want to get up every day and do my best. I think that's the most anyone can hope for -- not to be bitter, not to expect happiness or success -- but to do my best and earn my own respect and in doing so be content with that.

Link of the day: How to ruin your academic career

Do not bash famous people in your field in public places (like your personal blog). Or you will rue the day, as poor David G learned.

On this blog, I'm trying to stick to the convention of only criticizing myself and the vague selection of mankind whom I don't agree with.

Staying connected?

When you are deeply involved in your work (artist, musician, scientist, entrepreneur, etc), it can be a challenge to stay connected to the rest of the world. The question I have been pondering is can reading the news be an acceptable substitute for meaningful human contact? How does it compare to cultural appreciation (watching high-quality film/tv, reading books, etc.)? It just seems very difficult to maintain your existing close relationships with friends and family and yet grow as a person by meeting new people.

Link of the day: Four reasons why parents don't support their children's dreams

An ongoing issue in my life (and I suspect in the lives of many other twenty-somethings) is reconciling how much I appreciate my parents's support and trying to follow my own desires. It doesn't help when your parents continually criticize your career choices. Today I found a very nice discussion at Ian Ybarra's blog about how to address parental criticism.

Link of the day: File naming conventions

I'm still mulling out the best way to name my electronic files. I wish there were a tagging system built into Windows/Linux, but there isn't, so the most robust way to organize files is to name folders and files consistently.

Recently, there has been some discussion on 43Folders and Lifehacker about file naming practices.

Link of the day: Scrapbook and cosmology calculator

At some point (2008?), I'd like to organize my collection of saved webpages. The Scrapbook Firefox extension seems like a good choice.

After learning general relativity, I now have a passing interest in cosmology. Today I found out about a web-based cosmology calculator which "computes times and distances as a function of redshift for user-defined cosmological parameters."

Link of the day: Explanation of condensed matter

The sad thing about being a condensed matter physicist is that I never know what really is considered "condensed matter." Even worse, non-physicists ask me "what is condensed matter?" and I just say we look for interesting patterns in materials. Finally, I believe I have found a good explanation by Professor Nayak at UCLA.

Link of the day: High dynamic range photography

Cameras have a very limited dynamic range compared to the real world. This means that even though an object illuminated in sunlight might have a wide range of brightness, the camera has much rougher palette of brightness. This makes it hard to see details especially when two objects are illuminated with different intensities (a person standing next to a bright LED sign). The technique of maximizing the dynamic range in photos is called HDR (high dynamic range). With the advent of digital cameras, people have developed new ways to achieve HDR photos. I found a really informative introduction to digital HDR here. Wikipedia also has some information on the subject. Here is a tutorial on HDR which I found via Lifehacker.

Productivity: what's been working

I thought I would summarize a few productivity strategies that have been working for me so far.

Getting up and going to sleep at the same time every day. This principle is the bedrock of my schedule. I like to get up at 5:30 am, go to the gym at 6 am, and be at work by 9 am. But if I get up at 5:30 am, I have to be in bed by 9:30 pm. I've been much less consistent in going to bed on time than waking up on time. I really like the fact that from 5:30 am - 10 am, the world is quiet. No emails or problems to deal with until the rest of the world wakes up. However, one problem with this strategy is that sometimes I don't get enough sleep during the week. I may experiment with a sleep-in holiday on Saturday mornings.

Going to the gym at least four times a week. Going to the gym just helps me feel relaxed and energized so I can begin my work day fresh. Also, I feel like it's a good way to set the tone for the day. If I can get up early and go to the gym in the morning, I can do anything. A workout done is an accomplishment I can be proud of.

Recording timecards. This procedure keeps me honest. I look at the timecard and see "wow, I did really well today" or "gee, today was not good." As I fill out the timecard during the day, I'm aware of when I'm working and goofing off. I use timecards with the following format. Take a 3" x 5" index card and write the date at the top. With the card oriented vertically, I write down times in half hour blocks ("5:30", "6:00", "6:30,"..."12:00", "12:30",..."9:00"). Then periodically during the day (especially when I have interstitial time), I fill out the card.

Keeping a blog. It's useful for both work and personal reasons. Writing things up helps me reflect on my progress in work. I also like writing up trip reports (like hockey camp) so that I have a diary-like report of important events in my life. Some of my friends have become regular readers of my blog, so it's a good way to keep in touch (but unfortunately, a one-way method unless the other person has a blog, too.)

Applying GTD principles in my email account and online calendar. I've written about these ideas before in my blog, so I won't go over it again.

Minimizing transition time

The last two weeks I've been focusing on creating an efficient work schedule (GTD style).

Today, I noticed that I waste a lot of time transitioning between tasks. So I want to make a few additions to my strategy. First, I want to pack my backpack right before I go to sleep. Today, I forgot a book that I needed and had to go back home to pick it up. Second, I want to implement a GTD text file for my various projects. Each project (research, class 1, finding cheap tickets for the opera, etc) will have a bunch of tasks. I want to order them by priority and perhaps note the length of time it will take. Tasks should be done depending on the chunk of time available and priority. Some good resources for a todo.txt file are todotxt.com and Gina Trapani's Lifehacker article "List your life in .txt. If I have a list of tasks, then I don't have to waste time figuring out what to do next. Also, if I have a master list, I can keep an eye on my global progress, rather than just thinking about each project separately all the time.